Wally's Mailbag
A random sampling from Wally's email*

Dear Wally,
My girlfriend spends every weekend out shopping with her friends and on Saturdays she leaves me all alone. What do you think I should do?
Jeff in Ogallala

Dear Jeff,
Drop me a line when you have an actual problem. I donít even see this as becoming an issue until after the bowl games in January.

Dear Wally,
Head coach Bill Snyder is going to restore Kansas State to their rightful place in the Big 12! Look out, cornholer!
Joe Bob in Manhattan

Dear Joe Bob,
I couldnít agree more. Snyder has already restored the kitties to their rightful place in the Big 12 conference Ė the bottom half.

Dear Wally,
I await breathlessly each week for your fearless predictions so I can place a bet with Manny at the barber shop. Iíve noticed a trend in that you have never predicted a Nebraska loss. Yo, what's up with that?
Tony in Detroit

Dear Tony,
I play the percentages because I donít like to gamble. My predictions are 81-34 since 1998 which coincidentally is Nebraskaís record during that time span. A 70% winning percentage isnít exactly chicken feed.
P.S. Tell Manny to cut off that mullet of yours. It makes you look like an Okie.

Hey, Wally
I'm a Cornhusker in Kansas City, and I just had to write you and tell you how much I like your site. You make me smile, even as my stomach turns trying to watch this puzzling new mess they call an offense. That comment about Musburger calling Cory Ross "little fella" was right on, and the comment about hunting him down and making him listen to Jim Rose was priceless!
Jim in Kansas City

Dear Jim,
I may have been a bit harsh in my comments about forcing Brent to listen to Jim Rose. I think that sort of extreme punishment was outlawed under the Geneva Convention. What I really meant to say is that Musburger should have bamboo shoots driven under his fingernails. Sorry for any confusion.

Dear Wally,
Nebraska sucks, you suck and your website sucks. Give it up already, loser.
Eb in Columbia, MO

Dear Eb,
This website exists for my entertainment only. If you want Boxcar Willy, go to Branson. If you want bad football, go to Columbia.

Hey Wally,
I know itís hard to look ahead this far but I was wondering what you thought of Nebraskaís chances against Colorado. It turns out that I am going to that game and am a little nervous about being a visiting fan (especially if Colorado whoops up on us). I was just curious as to what you thought.
David in Colorado

Dear David,
Just remember that you are not in Lincoln where opposing fans are treated with hospitality and class. Most of the people that you will encounter are likely to be drunken frat boys rather than football fans so I would suggest not being decked out in red Husker gear.

My advise to you is much like that of Carl Spackler in Caddyshack: "My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one."

The last time I was in Boulder we had to be rescued by chopper, just like 'Nam in 1975. I will never forget the glow from the smokey couch fires as we made our escape. The horror, the horror!

David was never heard from again. We can only assume the worst.

This is for Blayne/Melvindale, MI....and all you other so called flim-flam, non-dedicated Husker fans... "Once a Husker, always a Husker"...if you don't like it....go stick your heads where the sun don't shine..THE HUSKERS WILL BE BACK!!! I was raised a Husker (Gering/class of 64'), now in Colorado... Awesome site...Wally.
Al in Greeley, CO

Dear Al,
I am sorry to report that Layne was involved in a tragic bandwagon accident.

Hi wally,
I emailed you sometime ago trying to tell you my name is not Blayne but it is Layne. And recently I moved from Melvindale to Taylor. Also I came very close to jumping off the bandwagon but I didn't and am firmly still on it. Go Big Red!
Layne from Taylor

Dear Layne,
Sorry about the typo. Speelling is not my strong suit. I am happy to hear that you want back on the Husker bandwagon. Please hold while I check on availability .... Oh, I'm sorry, you will have to take a number.

Dear Wally,
If the people of Nebraska don't form a lynch mob and force Pederson and Callahan out of Lincoln and force Gill to head coach and reimplement the option offense after this season ends up being a disaster then I will have to give up on them as well. I'm also pissed off still at Bo Pelini for being a traitor and jumping to OU after he was fired by Callahan. What do you think? Am I overreacting?
Blayne from Melvindale, MI (formerly from Nebraska)

Dear Blayne,
Yes. But not much.

Dear Wally,
Where can I get one of those cool Husker alarm clocks that you speak of, the one that plays There's No Place Like Nebraska?
Steve in Scottsbluff

Dear Steve,
So you thought Wally was a nickname for Sam Walton? Actually, my Husker alarm clock was built on commission by Swiss clockmakers but you may be able to find a cheap knockoff at Huskers Authentic.

Dear Wally,
Here's my GAMEDAY RITUAL: Most usually I take a huge crap flushing once for the husker fans and once more for good old Tom. I then like to phone the stadium and ask to speak to Tom, just to make sure that he isn't there anymore. Just before kick off I change the channel of the TV to something more sporting, like sumo.

Wally.....what kind of name is that anyway?

Big red is dead, move to another state.
Mike J. in Atlanta

Dear Mike,
You have serious issues but I sense that irregularity is not one of them. Did you mean to send this email to your shrink? You strike me as a sumo fan but hey, what's not to love about a fat man in diapers?
wally831 is my real name - I was named after uncle wally830. I just use the one name like Sting and Cher do.

Hey Wally! I AM NAKED!
Aaron Rude, somewhere in cyberspace

(I just know this is from the hot lady next door so I'll play along)
Dear Aaron,
Thanks for sharing. Now put on some damn clothes, preferrably something red.

Dear Wally,
You must be one of many gay people from need to know more about football before running your mouth about michigan football.....3-1-1 against the huskers overall....most wins in college history....we don't play division 2 schools like you clowns do....shall i go on?don't worry you guys will get beat a few times this year,once you start palying real football schools....
Paul in Detroit  (100% unedited)

Dear Paul,
Nebraska is 1-1 against Michigan during my lifetime and probably 0-0 during yours. You do realize that three of those games were played prior to 1918, don't you? The fact that Michigan refuses to schedule Nebraska doesn't seem to bother you. Enjoy that 1997 runner-up plaque
"There's just no substitute for contemporary opinion when you're trying to recreate the past."

Dear Wally,
Nebraska sucks, your website sucks, and you suck! Ha!
Trevor in Boulder

Dear Trevor,
Thank you for visiting The Corn Crib. Your opinions and concerns are important to us in the Crib. Your letter has been forwarded to senior management and will be addressed when Colorado gains institutional control over their football program.

Dear Wally,
When is Nebraska going to scrap that boring, out-dated option offense in favor of the fun and gun?
Chester in Ames

Dear Chester,
The official timeline to change the Nebraska offense to a fun and gun is at about the same time that Iowa State will actually contend for a title. Any title. Thereís obviously no hurry. Look for NU to pass more with the right coaches and athletes in place.

Dear Wally,
Why do you hate Michigan so much?
Bobby in Flint
P.S. Nebraska sucks, your website sucks, and you suck! You betcha, alrighty!

Dear Bobby,
Because the state is in the shape of a mitten and I don't play euchre.

Dear Wally,
62-36 you cornholer! Ha ha ha! Cornfuskers! Tee hee hee!
Chad in Boulder

Dear Chad,
Itís odd that your team would vote to inscribe that score on their rings. Did Coach Barney tattoo it on his ass as well? A win against Nebraska every decade or so is something for you to be proud of. I guess. Shouldn't you be out rounding up girls for the next CU recruiting party?

Dear Wally,
What do you think of the new Nebraska uniforms? I think they are, well, flamboyant.
Chris in Beatrice

Dear Chris,
Nebraskans are very traditional folks and are resistant to change. But the Cornhuskers could wear tie-dyed jerseys and birkenstocks as long as they continue winning football games. AD Steve Pederson has listened to fan concerns and made changes. I'm pretty sure that it was that personal email from wally that convinced him to make a change.

Dear Wally,
I knew there was no way your team could possibly replace Eric Crouch. My Kansas State Wildcats are going to kill you guys again this year. By the way, Nebraska sucks, your website sucks, and you suck! EMAW!
Mark in Manhattan

Dear Mark,
My only advice to you and other similarly minded kitty fans is to back away from the catnip. Just say no because you might get tipsy and fall off the bandwagon again.

Dear Wally,
Hi, I'm Bubba and I go to University of Texas. I'm gonna spell yew a werd an' yews et in a santance. Maw werd is skayd joo. S-C-H-E-D-U-L-E. I saw a ghost that would have skayd joo so bad you wudda pissed in yo paints! Please put this joke on your webpage!
Bubba in New Braunfels
(I swear that this one is not edited)

Dear Bubba,
Now THAT's comedy! Your joke has been submitted to the editors for inclusion at Husker Humor and Big 12 Jokes. I have an irresistable urge to slap my knee and do a rim shot. Bah da bing, bah da boom. That one's a keeper!

Dear Wally,
I am a huge Oklahoma Sooner fan and think that it stinks that we donít get to play Nebraska every year anymore. Good luck to the Cornhuskers on their season.
Jed in Enid

Dear Jed,
While our teams arenít on the regular schedule each season, thereís nothing preventing them from playing every year. Hopefully weíll see yíall in the BIG XII Conference Championship game.

Dear Wally,
I really enjoy your web site to keep me updated on the Huskers. I got it from a fellow Husker that works here at my company. I grew up in Nebraska and was transplanted to Michigan in 1989. I live in St. Johns, MI now but Iím originally from Waverly Nebraska.
Jan in Big 10 country

Dear Jan,
Thank you for the note. It's up to people like you and I to teach these folks how to count to ELEVEN!

Dear Wally,
I am cautiously optimistic about the prospects for the Cornhuskers. What do you think?
Sam in Fremont

Dear Sam,
Rumors of the Huskersí demise are premature. I predict a much improved defense and a less one-dimensional offense for this year. This Nebraska team is loaded with young talent that should provide for a very exciting season. There is a new attitude in Lincoln that will hopefully carry over onto the field.

Dear Wally,
Cool site man. I've been a husker fan since I was born. Being originally from Nebraska, I'm a navy man now but I let everyone know that I'm a Husker fan. My mom tries to keep me fitted still, sending me a different husker coat every year for Christmas, pretty cool. Anyways, awesome site, keep up the good work.
Todd, somewhere at sea

Dear Todd,
Thanks for taking the time to send me an email and I'm glad you found The CORN CRIB. I'd especially like to thank you for protecting our great country as a member of the military. You guys are beyond cool. THANK YOU!
Give 'em hell and GO BIG RED, Wally

Dear Wally,
I wrote you last about two years ago just after the Sept. 11 tragedy and told you how your site never failed to lift the spirits of myself and the handful of other die-hard Cornhusker fans onboard the ship. I finally got the other fans to see the light, and now whenever I find one of my buds not working, they are becoming one with the corn crib. I guess what I`m getting at is no matter what kind of crap that some weenie wants to throw in your email, keep up the fight. You have a loyal following onboard the USS Cowpens forward deployed in Yokosuka, Japan.
Jason, onboard at sea

Dear Jason,
I am humbled and speechless by your letter. Thank you. Navy rocks! Those army guys never send me any letters.

Dear Wally,
The Cowboys are going to pound you! OSU baby! Nebraska sucks!
Bart in Stillwater

Ummm, okay Festus.

Dear Wally,
We have our team going in the right direction and there's no way Nebraska could ever survive the schedule that Notre Dame plays. Why don't you guys schedule some real teams?
Danny in Omaha

Dear Danny,
Good luck on your season. It's too bad that Notre Dame's AD refuses to schedule Nebraska in the future. Please ask the Notre Dame faculty to stop emailing me with offers to sell their football tickets.

*Some emails have been edited for clarity and content. Others have been blatantly fabricated.

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