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Husker Humor
and
Big 12 Jokes


Take the Oklahoma Sooners .... please " Take the Oklahoma Sooners....... Please ! "

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Why is it so difficult to solve a murder in Missouri?
All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

Q. What do you call a Mizzou grad with a Big 12 Championship ring?
A. A thief.

Q. How many Colorado fans does it take to make popcorn?
A. Over 100. One to hold the pan, three to shake the stove,
one to hide the bong as the police arrive and the rest to complain
that they missed the recruiting party.

Two KSU fans were out hunting when a bird flew overhead and made a 'deposit' on one of them.
The first Wildcat says, "You want me to run back to the trailer park and get some tissue?"
The second one says, "Don't bother. That bird will be long gone by the time you get back."

Did you hear about the Oklahoma linebacker who stole a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: How does a Kansas Jayhawk count to 10?
A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, .....

There was a Sooner fan who went hunting and ran across a
beautiful, naked woman in the woods. He asked "Are y'all game?"
She smiled seductively and nodded yes. So the Okie shot her.

Hear about the Longhorn fan who lost $50 on the football game?
He lost $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.

Q: What's the last thing an Oklahoma stripper takes off?
A: Her bowling shoes.

Q: What did the Cornhusker say to the Iowa State grad?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

The Texas football team can do almost everything with the ball except sign it.

Q: How does a Texas Aggie girl turn on the lights after having sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Did you hear about the Missouri newlyweds going on their honeymoon?
They wanted to fly United, but the stewardess wouldn't let them.

What do they call a crime ring in Boulder?
A huddle

There are 4 Colorado Buffie players in a car. Who is driving?
The police

Did you hear about the new honor system at Colorado?
Yes, your Honor. No, your Honor.

Q: What's the difference between a hockey player and a Colorado co-ed?
A: The hockey player showers after three periods.

You know you're from Oklahoma if:
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on the amount of gas in the tank.

Q: How does an Oklahoma girl earn money for college?
A: The Tooth Fairy.

Q: How do you keep a Kansas Jayhawk out of your yard?
A: Put up goalposts.

Two Kansas State scholars were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks.
The first KSU scholar said "Those are deer tracks."
The second one said "Nope, they're too big for deer tracks. They must be elk tracks."
As the debate raged on they were hit by a train.

Q: What do they call duct tape in Stillwater?
A: Chrome.

The Missouri players are so lucky. When they go Christmas shopping
for their mother, girlfriend and sister they only have to buy one gift.

Q: Why did O.J. plan to move to Columbia, MO?
A: Because everyone there has the same DNA.

Q: Where was O.J. Simpson headed in the white Bronco?
A: Manhattan, KS. He knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there.

Q: What does a tornado and a Sooner cheerleader have in common?
A: They both eventually end up in a trailer park.

Q: What is the difference between an Aggie cheerleader and a catfish?
A: One has whiskers and smells; the other is a fish.

Q: What do you call 20 Colorado fans skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet

Two Longhorn football players were down on 6th street partying up a storm.
They were hootin', hollerin' and yee hawin' when the bartender asked them why
they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished
a jigsaw puzzle and it only took two months.
"Two months!?" exclaimed the bartender. "To complete a simple puzzle?"
The Texan replied, "Yeah, but the box said 4-6 years."

Q: Why was the Texas Tech football team late for their last game in Lincoln?
A: Every time their bus passed a sign that said 'Clean Restrooms', they did.

What happens when a Texas fan takes Viagra?
He gets taller

A little boy and his mother were walking in a Norman cemetery when they came
upon a headstone that read "Here lies an Oklahoma graduate and an honest man."
The little boy asked, "Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?"

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a classy Texas Fan and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q : How do you come to own a small business in Oklahoma?
A : Start a large business and put an OSU grad in charge of it.

A Texas A&M Aggie stopped at a gas station in Layfayette.
While there, the Cajun attendant told the Aggie this riddle:
"My mama has a child who's not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?"
The Aggie was dumbfounded. "Gee, I don't know. Who?"
"It's me!" replied the attendant.
Upon returning to school, the Aggie couldn't wait to try the joke out on
one of his friends. He asked the first one he saw,
"My mama has a child who's not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?"
"Hmmm ... I don't know." replied the friend.
The Aggie answered, "It's some little Cajun fella in Lafayette!"

Q: Why did the Texas Tech Linebacker marry a cow?
A: He had to.

Colorado and Nebraska have decided to merge into one state.
Nebraskans gain the mountains, and Colorado gets a football team.

Q: What do Texas Longhorns call it when a referee throws a game?
A: Saturday

A Colorado fan called the hospital saying "My wife is having a baby, what should I do?"
The nurse asked, "Is this her first baby?"
The Buff fan replied, "No, this is her husband."

Q: What do you get when you cross a Baylor Bear and a ground hog?
A: 6 more weeks of bad football.

Four Alumni were climbing a mountain one day.
Each was from a different Big 12 school and each proclaimed to be
the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was
the most loyal of all.
They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as
they reached the top, the Wildcat hurled himself off the mountain,
shouting, "This is for KSU!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be outdone, the Colorado alumnus threw himself off
the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the 'Buffs!"
Seeing this, the Cornhusker walked over and shouted, "This is for
everyone" and pushed the Texas fan off the side of the mountain.

Q: Why do Texas Longhorn fans like to have sex with the lights off?
A: So it won't run down the battery in the pickup.

Last week, severe thunderstorms and an F-5 tornado moved
through the Stillwater area. Damages were estimated at $5.00

Did you hear about the Aggie who was injured in a pie eating contest?
A cow stepped on him.

CU Coach Gary Barnett finished his new book which will be hitting bookstores next week.
It's titled "The Top 5 Games That I choked against Nebraska".

Spring storms caused a major power outage in Ames yesterday.
40 Cyclone fans were stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.

Q: What did the Missouri Tiger fan do after coming upon a stop sign in Columbia?
A: I don't know - he's still there.

A Texas A&M Aggie went to the Louisiana Bayou to buy a pair of genuine alligator boots.
After becoming frustrated with the high prices, the Aggie told the shopkeeper:
"I'll go catch my own alligator and get some boots without payin' these big-city prices!"
Determined as ever, the Aggie turned and headed for the swamps.
Later that day as the shopkeeper drove by, he saw the Aggie standing waist deep in the
swamp with shotgun in hand. Just then, a 9 foot gator swam toward the Texan.
The Aggie took aim, shot the critter and hauled it to shore.
Laying nearby was a pile of dead alligators.
The Aggie flipped the gator over and shouted in frustration:
"Dang it all! This alligator ain't wearin' any boots either!"

What do Kansas State Fans use for birth control?
Their personalities

Did you hear the Kansas University library burned down?
The saddest part was that half the books weren't colored in yet.

The KSU library burned down, too. They lost their book.

Q: How many Colorado players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

Two men, a Nebraska Cornhusker and an Oklahoma Sooner, were using a public restroom.
The Sooner noticed that the Husker didn't wash his hands afterward and said smugly
"Hey, at Oklahoma they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."
"Oh really? Well, in Nebraska we're taught not to pee on our hands."

Q: What do you get when you put 32 Oklahoma State cheerleaders in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: How many Missouri fans does it take to eat a 'possum?
A: Three. One to eat the 'possum and two to watch for cars.

There were 2 Baylor fans going to Six Flags over Texas.
They were really excited because they had never been there before.
They were driving along when they saw a sign that said "Six Flags Left."
So they turned around and went home.

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar Kansas lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars per year for a million years.

It's been reported that they found a skeleton on the Iowa State campus.
It was the 1967 hide and seek champion.

Q: Why is ice no longer available at Oklahoma State football games?
A: The sophomore with the recipe left school when his eligibility was up.

The other day at the bus station, a Husker approached a man and said,
"I'll bet you're from Kansas State University."
"Why yes, I am" answered the Wildcat grad. "How could you tell?
Was it my good looks, my debonair charm, or my trendy taste in clothing?"
"None of those things," replied the Husker.
"I saw the KSU class ring as you were picking your nose."

Q: How do you get a Kansas State cheerleader out of your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.

If two married Missouri grads get a divorce, are they still cousins?

If you see a Colorado Fan on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
~ It might be your bicycle.

A Colorado linebacker majoring in math concluded his senior thesis
with the following statement- There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count and those who can't.
(He got an A+)

Did you hear about the Colorado Buff with a personalized license plate?
His Dad made it in prison.

A man walked into a store and told the clerk,
"I would like a blue shirt, orange pants, blue shoes, and an orange hat."
The clerk asked the man if he's an Iowa State fan.
"Why, yes. How did you guess? The color combination?"
The clerk replied, "Nope. This is a hardware store."

Did you hear about the Missouri grad who bought an AM Radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that the radio works at night, too.

If Bill Gates were a Texas A&M Aggie:
The Recycle Bin in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with duct tape and a Hefty Bag
Winders '95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old pickup

Q: Why do they throw a sack of manure into the chapel at Kansas State weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.

A Baylor student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met
a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the tired line "Where do y'all go to school?"
The co-ed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The Baylor student took a big deep breath and shouted,
"WHERE DO Y'ALL GO TO SCHOOL!?"

Q: What does the average Colorado football player get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Did you hear that the President's mansion at Iowa State University burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.

Q: How do you get a Kansas graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Did you hear about the Sooner who was a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia?
He laid awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Q: How many Texas A&M freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That's a sophomore course.

A Missouri Tiger football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident.
He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily the manager of the WalMart came out and unplugged it in time!

Q: What's the difference between Gary Barnett and a puppy?
A: The puppy eventually stops whining.

Coach Bill Snyder is only dressing 10 players for the KSU game against Nebraska.
The rest of the team will get dressed by themselves.

Q: Why do Oklahoma State cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

This week in Manhattan, KSU co-eds began showing up with little
red circles covering their faces and bodies.
The Doctors were mystified and began running extensive tests on the girls.
They concluded that the circles were actually left by 10 foot poles.
~ ba dum pum

Q : How is the Baylor football team like a possum?
A : They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

An Aggie walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut down 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model and the Aggie, suitably impressed, buys it.
The next day the Aggie brings the chain saw back and says,
"This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!"
The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what's wrong.
The Aggie says, "What's that noise?"

Q: How many Florida Gators does it take to tackle a Cornhusker?
A: Good question, no one knows.

Why don't the girls play 'Hide 'n Seek' in Stillwater?
Because nobody would look for them.

A young ventriloquist is touring Oklahoma and stops to entertain at a bar in Norman.
He's doing his usual stupid Redneck jokes when an OU Linebacker in the audience stands up and says
"I've heard just about enough of your smart ass redneck jokes; we ain't all stupid here in Oklahoma."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the OU linebacker pipes up:
"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"

Q: Why is Missouri replacing the astroturf in their Stadium with cardboard?
A: The team looks better on paper.

Invited to a wedding reception by a relative, an Oklahoma State grad and his son travel to the big city for the first time.
After eating a lot of salty food, the father is thirsty and continually sends his son for water.
After the last trip the kid comes back empty-handed. The father asks, "So where's my water, boy?"
"Couldn't get any this trip, Pa. Some guy's sitting on the well."

Q. Why doesn't the Kansas football team have its own webpage?
A. Because they can't put 3 W's together.

Q. How do they practice safe sex in Columbia?
A. By placing a warning sign on the animals that kick....

A KU fan walks into a Lawrence bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jayhawk jersey and helmet, and festooned with Kansas pom-poms. The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The KU fan begs him: "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can watch the Kansas-Nebraska football game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar to watch the game. The big game begins with the Jayhawks receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does that dog do if Kansas scores a touchdown?" The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."

Did you hear about the Colorado students that were found
frozen to death at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

Texas Tech Computer Terminology:
Logon -- Makin the wood stove hotter
Download -- Gettin the farwood off the truck
Floppy disk -- What you get from carrying too much farwood
Hard Drive -- Gettin yer pickup home from the bar
Windows -- What to shut when it's cold outside
Chip -- Vittles to eat when yer sitting in front of the TV
Modem -- Whatcha done to the hayfields
Dot Matrix -- Bubba Matrix's wife
Lap top -- Where the kittycat sleeps
Software -- Those dang plastic forks and spoons
Mouse -- The reason you put out the D-Con
Main frame -- The part that holds up the barn roof


Q: Why did Kansas State replace the Stadium grass with astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.

Q : Why are there no Nativity scenes on the Missouri campus at Christmas?
A : Because they can't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: How can you tell if a Sooner is a married man?
A: There's tobacco juice running down both doors of his pickup.

Q: How do you starve a Sooner?
A: Hide the food stamps under the soap.

Q: What's the smallest book in the world?
A: The Kansas book of football heros.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a KSU fan?
A: A Tattoo.


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